


ground zero

by kireinayuta



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Idols, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Boyfriends, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Lee Jeno/Na Jaemin, Established Relationship, Headspace, Hurt/Comfort, Jealousy, Light Angst, M/M, Mentioned Huang Ren Jun, Mentioned Lee Donghyuck | Haechan, Mentioned Zhong Chen Le, Panic Attacks, Subspace, jaemin calls jeno hyung in headspace
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-01
Updated: 2020-05-01
Packaged: 2021-03-02 04:02:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,931
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23938861
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kireinayuta/pseuds/kireinayuta
Summary: There’s a reason why jealousy is labelled as the most disgusting emotion.Jeno learns why the hard way.
Relationships: Lee Jeno/Na Jaemin
Comments: 16
Kudos: 501





	ground zero

The only infuriating thing about Jisung is how easy it is for him to get what he wants.

Jeno never had a problem with the younger boy, never had a reason to. But that was before Jisung started growing into his height, before he started to acknowledge that even at the ripe age of eighteen, he was adorable. 

Jeno doesn't know who taught Jisung how to play his cards, probably Donghyuck, but all he knows is that Jisung is now a master at using his assets and rice cake-like cheeks to get whatever he wants from Jeno's boyfriend. 

Yeah, Jeno's boyfriend, not even his own. He had to go after Jaemin, who not only already tries to appease everyone around him, but especially Jisung. Jaemin likes to be the best for the people in his life, tries to have the biggest heart so that he can welcome everyone around him with open arms. That character trait had been one of the many reasons why Jeno fell for the younger boy, but as he's watching this scene right now in front of him, he doesn't know if Jaemin's need to help everyone was a blessing or a curse. 

It's not like it's the first time something like this has happened either, Jeno is always watching Jaemin mould himself into what everyone needs when someone's down, or when someone could use a smile or a laugh. However, it's just been a stressful week. Their new album dropped only yesterday, and they've been on edge to see the progress, the reactions and the statistics. Thankfully, they're all positive, but that didn't mean they all weren't exhausted. As heartwarming as all the reactions were, Jeno wanted nothing more than to fall asleep next to Jaemin before another hurricane worth of promotions flood all their spare time.

And he would've been able to do that if it weren't for Park Jisung. Ashamedly, Jisung has been becoming the root of Jeno's irritability more often than not, for the simple reason that he's cutting his alone time with Jaemin down to practically nothing. They didn't even spend enough time talking before going to sleep, the two of them always extremely tired out from the day's events. 

Jeno isn't really the possessive type, not at all if he's being honest, especially when it comes to Jaemin. He knows that Jaemin is well liked throughout everyone, every member and every unit, so he's gotten used to everyone wanted to spend time with him. It's also not like he's cruel enough to deny someone time with Jaemin, the latter was an angel who made everyone's day better with a simple glance their way. 

But right now, after this happening consistently for the last month or so, Jeno is ready to step on Jisung's throat. He's not the violent type but Jisung is really putting that to a test with how high in pitch he raises his voice and how fast he bats his lashes, all for Jaemin to cook him his favourite meal. 

And he gets it, somewhat, anyone would bat their eyelashes for Jaemin's cooking, but Jisung has a nasty habit of being used to getting what he wants, with the being the youngest anywhere he goes, so he doesn't really know when to stop. Jeno didn't think it was a problem until now, though. 

"Anything for you," Jaemin coos, arms wrapped around Jisung's waist as he blows raspberries onto his cheeks. That should be Jeno, in Jisung's position, and never once in his life did he think he'd ever be jealous of Park Jisung. 

The thought leaves a bitter taste in his mouth, which only grows in bitterness when he watches Jisung smile wide, only amplifying the hearts in Jaemin's eyes. 

It's common knowledge that Jaemin has a heart that's way too big for his body, and it's also common knowledge that he has the largest soft spot for Jisung. He does whatever he can for the younger boy, always claiming fondly that since Jisung had to leave home and his childhood at such a young age, he'd help be the parental figure and love support that he needed to grow into a lovely person. 

And he's going a damn good job at it, if anyone who's watched Jisung grow up can say anything, but Jeno feels bad sometimes that Jaemin decided to take on these responsibilities on his own. 

They've talked about it before, and it always comes down to Jaemin claiming that this is what he wants to do, not something he feels obligated to do. Jeno lets him be, there's nothing much he can do if it makes Jaemin genuinely happy, but that doesn't mean he can't worry about Jaemin sometimes. 

Or in this case, get jealous of the endless love and sense of protection Jaemin has flowing out of every pore in his body for Jisung. 

There's not much he can do now besides watch Jaemin busy himself with making Jisung's favourite kimchi fried rice in the kitchen, and Jisung hopping around happily as he asks Jaemin if he can do anything to help. 

Before Jaemin can answer, Jeno finds his feet moving on their own accord, and he's standing beside Jaemin before he knows it. 

"I'll help," he says, smiling sweetly at Jisung to mask his annoyance. He doesn't need Jisung to know how he really feels right now, especially when it's unprecedented and honestly just Jeno overreacting. "Go play, Jisungie."

Jisung couldn't say no to that, so he thanks Jaemin and Jeno before scurrying out of the kitchen calling Donghyuck's name. 

"What was that?" Jaemin asks, catching on quickly. Jeno is respectfully known as a disaster the kitchen, everyone knew this. So he gets why Jaemin is skeptical as he hands him a cutting board, knife and kimchi. Also why he glares at him suspiciously as he heats up a frying pan. "You don't ever want to help."

Jeno gets what Jaemin means, but it irks him, nonetheless. It could just be his pent up emotions about the toll the past month, past week especially, took on him, but to be fair, it took a toll on all of them. Jeno’s just the only one who's avidly affected by it, only spurred on by not being able to calm himself down by spending alone time with Jaemin too. 

"Just wanna spend time with my boyfriend," Jeno answers, a bit curt now that he thinks about it. Out of the corner of his eye, he sees how Jaemin's own eyes widen a little at the answer, before going back to looking suspicious.

So now what, Jeno couldn't want to be around Jaemin without an ulterior motive? He isn't Donghyuck, for fuck's sake. 

"We spend time together everyday," Jaemin answers, tossing spam into the heated up frying pan. 

Oh.

Jaemin doesn't see it. 

"Do we?" Jeno asks, before he can filter his thoughts. He's semi afraid for what Jaemin will say next, so he busies himself with chopping kimchi into little pieces. 

Maybe he'll get mad, Jeno's tone was a bit more snippy than he intended, or maybe he'll be concerned and question him. Probably the latter, Jaemin is always worried like that. 

"Yes. To the point where I'm sick of your face," Jaemin jokes, tone lighthearted and airy. Jeno thinks Jaemin always knows what to say, turning his offhanded comment into a humorous scenario in order to help move on. 

Jeno doesn't feel belittled like he thought he would if Jaemin brushed over it, knowing that Jaemin only made a joke because he wanted to lighten up the atmosphere. And maybe it was what Jeno needed too, because he feels a bit more confident in talking about what was bothering him without it coming out of nowhere or off as, well... Mean.

The last thing he wants to do is upset Jaemin. That's the last thing he'd ever want to do. 

Jeno lets the silence continue to pass through them, until Jaemin is done frying the spam and he's done cutting up the kimchi. Jaemin asks him to bring out the rice, while he fries a few eggs. 

"Nana," he calls, just as Jaemin is stirring everything together in the pan. The younger hums, bringing a spoonful for fried rice up to his mouth to taste before nodding a bit, content with the result. As he's turning off the stove, Jeno continues. "Don't you miss me?" He asks, trying to keep the light atmosphere. Not only did he not want to bring the mood down, but he's also not the best as expressing his emotions and what he's feeling. Despite acknowledging and valuing the importance of communication, it takes a fruitful attempt and him being sat down to open up about what's truly going on deep down. 

"Miss you? Why would I miss you?" Jaemin teases, smiling that infuriatingly sweet smile in Jeno's direction. He's plating the fried rice in a large serving bowl, setting the used dishes into the sink. 

"Because we're busy...?" Jeno tries, scratching the back of his head. This conversation isn't going the way he wanted it to. 

"That doesn't mean I miss you," Jaemin continues, and Jeno feels his heart drop a little. 

Not even a little bit? Did Jaemin really not miss him at all? Jeno missed spending time with him so much, missed holding his hand for hours or kissing the parts of his body hidden by his clothes. He missed playing with Jaemin's hair without stylists yelling at him, and he missed lazing around in bed in the morning with him. 

Did Jaemin not miss any of that? 

"I have Jisungie and Chenle to take care of," he continues, oblivious to the way Jeno had faltered a bit. "That keeps me busy." 

Jeno is barely listening anymore, more stuck on how Jaemin had said that he didn't miss Jeno. Maybe if he was listening more attentively, he could've gaged at the teasing tone the younger had been using, or the way he rolls his eyes once he's done. 

But he isn't, and he the only thing he can feel right now is how his heart is suddenly heavy in his chest. 

Jaemin doesn't miss him like he does. 

Jaemin would rather take care of Jisung and Chenle than find time for him. 

Jaemin isn't even aware of how he's fuming right now. 

And then, like a switch (and because it's a secondary emotion), Jeno's angry. 

"Fine," Jeno spits, glaring at Jaemin when that finally seemed to have caught the latter's attention. "Busy yourself with them."

Jaemin seems taken aback by the bite in Jeno's tone, by the way he storms out of the kitchen and into their room. He doesn't even bother with closing the door normally, instead, he slams it shut and the sound makes Jaemin flinch. 

Jaemin brushes off the sudden cold feeling which washes over him, instead focusing on what he's been doing all this time: preparing Jisung's food.

"Sungie, your food's ready!" He yells, not really knowing where in the dorm Jisung is. Thankfully, Jisung comes scurrying in soon after, and he seems oblivious to what had just happened. He either didn't hear Jeno slam the door shut, or he did and is just being respectful by minding his own business. 

Nonetheless, Jaemin sits by the table for a little bit, trying to distract himself by watching Jisung eat.

"Do you like it?" He asks softly, immediately earning Jisung's hum and thumbs up in approval. "That's good," he whispers, trailing off when he realizes how much whatever happened in the kitchen is bugging him.

Jeno didn't seem to be acting weird, his questions were all things he's heard Jeno say before. Was it his teasing then? Did Jaemin take it too far? Or was it something else entirely and he just wasn't seeing it?

Jaemin and Jeno never really fight, always finding the more mature way to deal with their problems and roadblocks. Ignoring the other or being petty isn't something they're fond of, seeing as it doesn't resolve the problem. 

Regardless of what the problem is in this moment though, the fact that he and Jeno aren't talking about it what's driving Jaemin insane. He wants to stay at the table and eat with Jisung, he wants to talk to him about his day and about their schedule tomorrow, but more than that, he wants to know what's going on with Jeno. 

"Why don't you call the other to eat too, hm?" Jaemin proposes, standing up from the table after the question leaves his mouth. Jisung looks up at Jaemin, out of the abruptness if what the older boy had said. "I'm... Tired. I'm gonna rest early," he explains half assuredly, sending Jisung a small smile. "Please, call them to eat. I made a lot of food." 

With that, he's walking down to his shared bedroom with Jeno, feeling a little bit guilty leaving Jisung at the table. He knows he doesn't have to though, because the others will keep him company soon enough. And besides, the guilt of possibly saying something wrong to Jeno is worse than the guilt of leaving Jisung alone.

When he's standing in front of their door, the nerves kick in. What if he actually did something terrible without knowing it? What if Jeno is even more upset because he doesn't know what he did? If the roles were reversed, Jaemin knows he'd be upset too if Jeno didn't realize he did something wrong.

What if he made Jeno angry, to the point where it was unforgivable? Or what if he—

Jaemin needs to stop with the what if's. They're rotting his brain and feeding him the worst case of scenarios, but he can't help but draw the worst conclusions. Jeno and him never outright storm out on each other or ignore each other. It's new, and it's not a good kind of new. 

Jaemin's scared of what could happen when he opens the door, but he's even more scared knowing he upset Jeno. He's scared of losing Jeno, beneath all of it. 

So he tentatively twists the door handle, keeping quiet just in case Jeno was sleeping, he could never be too sure. 

Thankfully (?) Jeno is simply sitting at the little table, tapping away on the keyboard of his laptop. 

He feels his heart thump violently in his chest. 

"Jeno?" He calls, careful with how loud the volume of his voice is. He doesn't want to upset Jeno any further. 

Jaemin doesn't get a response. 

He closes the door behind him, biting his lip as he walks up behind Jeno. He puts a hand on his shoulder, and feels even more guilty when Jeno tenses a bit. Clearly, now it's obvious that it's something Jaemin did. 

"Jeno," he calls again, lightly shaking the others shoulder to get his attention. 

Once again, no answer. From this close up though, Jaemin can see that Jeno's only leisurely playing a video game, and it's obvious it's just something to do so that he doesn't have to pay attention to Jaemin. 

Although the revelation stings, has guesses he deserves it. He did ignore what Jeno was trying to say in the kitchen after all. 

But he doesn't know what to do other than try to get Jeno to talk him, and he definitely wasn't going to give up and ignore him too. Ignorance wasn't bliss, despite the saying, and the last thing Jaemin needed right now was for this to blow out of proportion. Or, more out of proportion than he's already blown it. 

"Jeno please, let's talk?" He tries again, sounding a bit desperate even to his own ears. 

Jeno doesn't even look like he acknowledged Jaemin's voice this time. He's still tapping away, still as unfocused as ever on him. 

Jaemin feels a pit in his stomach form. 

It doesn't feel good when Jeno is ignoring him, but then again, it probably didn't feel good when Jaemin was ignorant of what Jeno was trying to say either. 

"I'm sorry, Jeno, please tell me what I did wrong," he continues, wincing a bit at the wording. He probably shouldn't have let it out that he didn't even know what he did wrong, Jeno might think his apology isn't sincere. But it is, because he doesn't ever want to hurt Jeno, consciously or not, and if Jeno tells him what's wrong, then he can learn from his mistakes. 

Jeno scoffs, and Jaemin knows he probably made this situation worse. 

He feels his breathing pick up and he tries to will himself to calm down, because they're adults and they can handle this like adults. There's no need for his hands to start shaking (except they are), and there's no reason for his chest to feel tight (except it does).

"Seriously, please Jeno." Jaemin's voice sounds strained even to himself, and he hopes Jeno doesn't pick up on it. This isn't about him, this is about Jeno. He upset Jeno, and probably made him angry, and this was about fixing that. Not about how he can't handle a bit of silence from his boyfriend. 

This isn't about him, but it's getting harder to breathe with each second which passes in silence. 

This isn't about him, but his hand starts to shake where it's still perched on Jeno's shoulder. 

This isn't about him, but his nose stings and his vision goes blurry, and he feels like he's about to throw up.

This isn't about him, but the thoughts in his head are spiralling and the dread and guilt piles high and up past Jaemin's throat. 

"Hyung!" Jaemin chokes, finally grabbing Jeno's attention.

Jeno can be mad at Jaemin, Jeno can be upset at Jaemin, Jeno can a lot of things at Jaemin, but he knows it's bad when Jaemin calls him hyung. 

He doesn't do that, ever, unless he's in a headspace. A headspace which only comes out when Jaemin either fully trusts him, or feels like he's being neglected. Two very different spots on the spectrum, but very dependent on Jeno. 

Which makes him feel worse for being childish and ignoring Jaemin, when he sees the unshed tears in the younger's eyes. 

He registers the shaking hand on his shoulder, and the way Jaemin's chest is rising and falling erratically. The way his cheeks flush and Jeno knows it's getting harder to breathe for him. 

"Jaemin, please slow down," Jeno says, standing up from his chair and making way towards the other. He tries to grab Jaemin's hands, but the latter snatches them back and shakes his head, choking on his tears. 

"Hyung's mad!" He cries, breath caught in his throat as he tries to will himself to stop. This isn't about him, and he feels even more guilty, turning the attention onto him. "Hyung's mad because N-Nana is stupid and made h-him sad and—" 

Jeno remembers Jaemin saying that he talks in third person when his anxiety spikes far past being something he can comprehend, and Jeno wants to go back in time to where he had the chance to not be the reason Jaemin is currently having an anxiety attack. 

"Nana's not stupid," Jeno intervenes, coming a bit closer to Jaemin, but still making sure he didn't touch him. "Hyung is stupid for ignoring Nana, okay? Nana isn't stupid, it's hyung's fault." He doesn't know if this will necessarily calm Jaemin down, but it's proves to be futile when Jaemin violently shakes his head. 

"N-No! Not hyung's fault, hyung got mad because Nana did something bad b-but Nana doesn't know! Please, Nana's sorry but he doesn't know. What happened hyung? What happened, Nana's sorry," Jaemin babbles, repeating the same things over and over again like a mantra. 

Once more, the important of communication dawns onto Jeno, and he's reminded of how he shouldn't have let his sadness and pettiness bring them to this level. 

"Shh, baby please. Hyung really isn't upset, hyung just wants you to breathe," he coaxes, gently leading Jaemin towards the bed. He makes Jaemin sit down, and is so glad when he does, before making way too kneel in front of the younger boy. “Close your eyes and count with me Nana.”

Jeno does the breathing exercises Jaemin told him calms him down, and is alarmed when it’s taking longer than usual to get his breathing back to normal. But he can’t panic right now, that’s the last thing Jaemin needs. For Jaemin, Jeno will be strong. 

“Baby, come on, I know you can do it,” Jeno encourages, keeping his voice soft despite wanting to cry with Jaemin. “I know you’re strong, my love. Just in and out with me, alright?” 

Jeno starts from the top of the exercise, relief washing over his entire existence when Jaemin’s breathing starts to regulate. 

It takes a long and gruesome fifteen minutes before Jaemin calms down, to the point where his chest isn’t heaving and the flush of panic isn’t red on his face. 

Jaemin doesn’t know when, but Jeno seemed to have grabbed his hands somewhere during the breathing exercise, because he’s holding onto both of Jaemin’s between their bodies. Slowly, after calming his nerves down, he looks up, making eye contact with Jeno.

“Hyung,” he says again, throwing himself into the older boy’s arms. “Hyung I’m sorry! I’m so sorry, I’m sorry,” Jaemin repeats, time and time again, and Jeno feels his heart break in his chest. 

Yeah, he wanted Jaemin to acknowledge what he did to hurt Jeno’s feelings, but he didn’t want him to feel guilty about it. Much less this guilty. 

“Jaemin, please, it’s okay,” Jeno soothes, scooting back until he hit the wall, Jaemin hugging him on his lap. Thankfully, he isn’t crying anymore. “Believe me, I’m not mad.” 

“I’m sorry for upsetting you,” Jaemin apologizes, bringing his face out of where it was hiding in Jeno’s chest. “I’m sorry hyung, please tell me what I did.”

Jeno knows Jaemin won’t be satisfied until Jeno explains to him what made him upset. He sighs at that, deciding that he might as well get it over with for both their sakes. 

“Jaemin, listen, okay?” He starts, bracing himself for the embarrassment he’s going to feel. “I was just jealous that you spend so much of your limited free time with Chenle and Jisung. I really do miss you, and I guess when you said you didn’t miss me it made me upset,” he explains. “It was stupid, it’s fine—”

“Hyung, you’re not stupid,” Jaemin deflects, looking and sounding serious as he speaks. He holds Jeno’s face up with his palms cupping his cheeks, making sure they’re looking at each other. “You had a reason to feel upset, I didn’t take you seriously. I’m sorry for that,” the younger boy sniffs, kissing the tip of Jeno’s nose. “Nana’s sorry.”

Jeno sighs, wrapping his own arms around the other’s waist, pulling him in close for a hug. 

“Hyung’s sorry for getting jealous. I know you love me Jaemin.”

Jeno feels Jaemin nods furiously from where he’s tucked away, and chuckles a little. He presses a kiss onto the other’s head, feeling Jaemin’s own arms tighten around him. 

“You keep calling me hyung,” Jeno brings up after a few minutes of silence. “Are you okay?”

“I just love you,” Jaemin replies, sitting back up straight. He smiles when he sees Jeno’s face. “Nana loves Jeno hyung.”

With that simple phrase, and the simple smile, Jeno knows Jaemin is feeling better. Still in headspace, but this time because he trusts Jeno.

“And Jeno hyung loves Nana.”


End file.
